I might be the most impatient person on earth. Ask my mom, she'll agree. Most of my quiet time is spent having pretty frank conversations with god about my path, my future, my "destiny" - all of which are followed by prayers asking for patience as his plan is revealed to me. Lately, I've been so anxious and frustrated as I look around at all the people who seem to have their path and lives figured out. Don't misunderstand, though - I feel incredibly blessed to be right where I am right now - it's just that I don't understand sometimes how to simply "be". I feel a deep stirring in my soul about certain passions and talents I have and I know that god is preparing my life for something great. I just want to KNOW what it is!
I think when your heart is truly in line with the things you believe in, that's when life really begins to unfold. I think that god "speaks" and works in so many ways in our lives if we'd only be open enough to witness it. For me, I often feel like god reaches me in very circumstantial ways. So often, I'll have something happen or read a passage in a devotion or have an encounter with a stranger that makes me stop and do a double take. It's almost as though god is right in front of me in those moments, teaching me and saying trust me, Valerie! but then I get too much inside of my own head to really believe. I'm currently reading the incredible Beth Moore book that Cori gave me and I honestly believe that god is dealing with me head on in the areas of patience and trust. She writes about how you can't just believe in the lord but you must believe him, period. She says, "Believe he can do what he says he can do. Believe you can do what he says you can do. Believe he is who he says he is and believe you are who he says you are". To believe is the essence of faith and it is one of the hardest things we'll ever do, as humans. Believing in something is like being a kid again and operating with a certain sense of naivety and blind trust. You just believe, not because someone tells you to, but because you just inherently do. It is that belief that sparks a life of hope, joy, and peace which are the very things I am striving to achieve day to day.
This is a trial for me. Having patience and believing that god will deliver the amazing promises he speaks of is a very big trial and something that sharpens me daily. Beth Moore also says, "Why does god allow us to spend so much of life in the heat of battle? Because he never meant for us to sip his spirit like a proper cup of tea. He meant for us to hold our sweating heads over the fountain and lap up his life with unquenchable thirst". What a vision and image that gives me goosebumps when I think of it. THAT is how I want to blaze through life because that is the very passion I believe we're meant to live out. My biggest prayer is that I will continue to sharpen my life daily in ways that affect and change people so that I will become more and more equipped to receive and accept the goodness and blessing I know god wants for me. These "trials of patience" that I face are what is refining me. I am growing and I am living which is priceless. Sometimes, I just need to remind myself of this as I'm doing here. But, you know what? I think god appreciates that, too.