I'm taking a little inspiration today from my dear friend, Patrick's, openness recently in one of his blog posts. He talked about starting over, questioning what you do or could've done to make things turn out differently, knowing your self worth...things that are part of all of our lives in some capacity. It's not an easy thing to expose yourself and share things that are raw. But, this is life. Real life where things get messy, ugly and chaotic. To expose yourself is to find power within which is why I appreciate Patrick's words and willingness to share who is.
I closed a chapter in my life last night. One I didn't want to close and one that I thought could be a renewed season of life for me. Unfortunately, not all of those decisions were up to me. Sadly, the outcome wasn't at all what I expected. Not because I didn't get some answer I wanted or because it didn't turn out how I hoped, it was unexpected because it was much more painful and harsh than it should've been. I felt things that I didn't think I would. Things like being discarded, misunderstood, replaceable. Things that strike the core of your soul and things that have the ability to really dent your self worth. The tricky part of situations like this is that only you can determine your self worth. If it's tied up in someone or something or circumstances, you'll likely be disappointed every time hardship hits.
For most of us, finding value and self worth is a painstaking, constant journey. Whether things in your past shape that or where you find yourself presently, to intimately know that you are so special and wonderful is a mighty task to conquer. Society today certainly doesn't lend itself to an environment where loving ourselves is first. We're bombarded with every other thing that reminds us of how we're not good enough. Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not rich enough, not slim enough, not funny enough; the list goes on. The only way we can combat such complicated, raw feelings is to decide to know that we are more than good enough. Each life out there is unique, rare, ever evolving. We're each magical in our own right and we bring things to this life and universe that are powerful, true and remarkable. Every person out there has a responsibility to themselves to choose to view their life like this. No other person or thing has the power to destroy these tremendous qualities in us unless we allow them to.
Last night, I felt profoundly judged and misunderstood. Enough so to make me second guess who I am, what I offer and how valuable I am. Enough so to where some of the tender, beautiful self worth that I've acquired (with much fragility) as of late was tarnished. I'm sure the perspective of how I saw the situation was not mutually shared and I'm sure I'd be viewed as wrong. But, you know what? I don't care. I've been fiercely caring and caring about change, growth and fresh starts and I've been putting so much work into my life recently. I simply cannot bear the burden any longer of what people think of me, my thoughts or my feelings. I cannot - and will not - apologize for who I am anymore. I know unequivocally that I'm making changes that are bettering me and I'm proud of it. For me, there's nothing quite as painful as when someone keeps you in a box, confined to who you once were or how you once acted. It's very, very rare in this life to find people that will stand by you resolutely with love, tenderness and understanding and to also believe in your ability to change. For me, the time has most certainly come to move forward and to appreciate me for exactly who I am. To believe in myself regardless if any other person will.
I am starting over. Again. This time, with the confidence that it's fully the right time, that proper decisions - painful, heartbreaking decisions - have been made and that the true fresh season of life that I was hoping to begin last night will ultimately be a chapter I'll begin writing solely for myself. You know what? That's ok. It's the right thing.
Above all, I know that I deserve people in my life that will never strip things away from me, block me from shining or make me doubt myself in any capacity. I am a wonderful, lovely person with more to give than I could ever ask to receive. I hope I never feel the way I did last night again. But, if I do, I will choose to continue shining. Brightly. Magnificently. Spectacularly. Because I am those things.
Zucchini Ricotta Cheesecake
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