Why Does The Weekend Fly?

I'll never be able to understand how Monday comes around so fast. I'd gladly work a ten or even twelve hour day just to have three day weekends. Sigh. Anyway, I had a terrific weekend. My friend, Patrick, came through town with some buddies on Friday and I was so thrilled. It's been about five years since we've seen each other! He and his friends were heading up to Niagra and I was lucky enough to have him pass through the city to visit me. Allison joined us and we just spent the evening laughing, trading stories, making memories. It was a good night. :)

Saturday, I went for a run and had an awesome phone date with Brant after. He's one of my oldest friends and has seen me through some terrible times in life. So, it made me feel really great when he commented on seeing some changes in me and feeling as though I'm different. He said he can tell that there's a part of me that's "letting go" and it made me smile. Because I am. Though I already feel this way myself, it's so neat to hear the friends that know me best voice their opinion which kinda allows me to have that validation, in a sense. Right after I hung up with Brant, I got the best call from Ami, too. She was baking with her niece, nephew and step-daughter and they called me on speaker to tell me they missed me. I swear, there's nothing like those sweet little voices yelling WE MISS YOU, VALERIE! to brighten your day. :) Anyway, I met some friends for dinner and drinks that night and had such a great time.

Sunday, I met Kristine at Redeemer for church and it was yet another awesome sermon from Tim Keller. That man is just amazing. I really wish I didn't dislike the church so much as a whole because I'd become a member in a heartbeat. Afterward, we did football Sunday as usual at Citibar and then I invited Allison over for dinner. I cooked shepherd's pie (which I'd been craving for two weeks!) and we had a lovely evening in.

The weather was gorgeous here all weekend, too. It was warm in the sun and cool when the breeze blew. People were out and about sipping coffees, strolling along, sitting out on stoops. Everyone seemed to have one common goal of enjoying the beautiful sunshine and sharing laughter amongst friends. I love these days in NY where it feels like the whole city is on exactly the same page. It was just about a perfect Fall weekend! I really had a great time meeting some new people over the last couple of days and it reminds me of just how many things there are to experience out there. I can only hope that everyone was equally as fond of me. :)

Happy Fall Y'all!

I so love my sweet banner that Allison bought for me. It allows me to have a little touch of GA in my Big Apple apartment:

Fall is my favorite season. You get that crisp air while the sun's still warm and the evenings are just cool enough to wrap up with a blanket and a nice glass of red wine. I also get reflective every year at this time as some of my most significant experiences in life have happened in Fall. People tend to have a "never look back" attitude in life but I'm so opposite. I love looking back at the mistakes that I've either learned from or not and also at each detail that has brought me where I am. I don't look back with regret, I look back with fondness and anticipation of the future.

This year, Fall is an equal mix of challenge and hope for me. There has been a great deal of change happening in my life recently and, though I feel like I'm balancing it the best I can, sometimes I feel so weary and wish someone could just take sadness, pain, and heartache away. I've gotten very good at stomping out negative thoughts (thanks Cori!) and I know time will only make that better for me but boy, is it exhausting and such hard work. It's funny because I see a mixture of this same challenge and hope in many of my friends presently. Some have gotten engaged to the people they love and some have found new jobs while others are suffering loss of relationships and heartache of trauma in their marriage or work life. It's just a crazy thing to see such contrasts but I'm trying to absorb as much 'education' as I can from others' situations and my own past experience so that I can consistently grow and learn. I really hope this time of reflection can be different for me this year and that I can work hard to just "be", here and now, instead of look too far ahead.

On a brighter note, I sent the cookies to Jack yesterday and got the sweetest 'thank you' from him. It really warmed my heart. I adore him and he's definitely a big gift from my time with Tom, as he introduced me to Jack. :) I definitely saved a few cookies for myself also and ate two for dinner last night, mmm:

They were freakin' good. Now, if I can just make it through the next couple of hours, I'll finally have a glass of sangria in hand and much needed time with my sweet girls. El Faro, here we come!

Esther and The Shack

I started a new Beth Moore bible study last night called 'Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman'. Mom has been doing this very study in a group back home for a few weeks now and thought Allison and I would really enjoy it. She decided to buy us the books, Erica jumped on board too, and the three of us started it officially last night. I had had a very tough day yesterday followed by an intense counseling session so I needed somewhere to put my focus last night. In doing just one day of the study, I'm already excited and hopeful for what I'll learn and take with me!

Additionally, Erica had been talking to me forever about reading 'The Shack' and, after Cori mentioned it to me last week as well, I decided to see if dad had it in stock. He did! He sent it right up to me and I'm 3/4 through already. It's fantastic and I'll probably end up finishing it tonight. I think anyone out there feeling a lack of connection to the lord these days would benefit from being reminded of just how much love he has for us. Check out the book for an easy and quite poignant read: http://www.theshackbook.com/index.html

I'm ready for the work-day to end so I can go for a run, bake my famous chocolate chip cookies (a treat for Jack to celebrate his awesome marathon finish!), and jump into day two of Esther. :)

Marathon Sunday

The New York Marathon happens the first weekend of November every year and it proves to be the most incredible day of the year in the city. 40,000 runners take on the task of completing the 26.2 miles beginning on Staten Island and concluding in Central Park and nearly all residents of the city come out to cheer on and applaud these amazing athletes. It is truly the most touching and unifying day in a city normally so full of selfishness and hardship. I look so forward to this day every year because it personally touches a part of my heart, both because of my love of running, and because of the tremendous support that total strangers show one another. It is awesome. For example, this guy from last year really gave out hugs to runners who were weary and needed a boost:

Another marathon has now come and gone (took place yesterday) and it was another tear-filled celebration that I'm so privileged to be a part of. Shamefully, we took NO pictures this year so here are a couple from last year:

This is at Mile 23 in Central Park:

You can get an idea of how neat it is to be alongside such amazing runners. Marathon day reminds me so much of what hope and opportunity is out there in life. It's such an inspirational showing of dedication, drive, ambition and passion which are things that I strive for in my everyday life. I am a runner myself and, as mentioned, have a love of the "sport" that reaches a place in my heart that's quite personal and moving. I've always placed this stigma on myself that I "can't" do certain things and it's a stronghold in my life that I pray fiercely against. Running a marathon is one of those things I "can't do" and, each year that passes, I swear I'm going to train for it the following year. I've run countless races of all mileage counts, including a half marathon which was one of the greatest days of my life:

I smiled practically the whole race and cheered as people cheered for me:

I finished with a 2:15 time and, for my first half marathon, I was incredibly pleased AND overjoyed to share the experience with Allison:

I point this out because days like marathon day spark a fire in me that is hard to describe in words. But, so much of our walk with god can be compared to that very race. With the marathon, you have to be slow and steady starting out while eating properly along the way, steadily hydrating, and maintaining focus for an extended period of time. This is so like our relationship with god and how he grows us over time as we maintain focus and draw life and strength from his word and plan. We trust blindly and give ourselves over to the lord so that he can shape us into being able to 'run the race of life' with joy and faith. It's such a moving analogy that I identify with completely each and every year as marathon day comes around. As Hebrews (12:1-2) so powerfully says, "...let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." If, or should I say WHEN I do run a marathon, I know this passage would play in my mind as it would be a true accomplishment for me in more ways than one. We'll see if this time next year I'll be posting full marathon photos vs. half. ;)

"For I Know The Plans I Have For You..."

I'm inspired to write today for rather sad reasons. I've been reflecting on how much myself and the people I love have been going through recently and it makes my heart heavy. I have friends who have lost their jobs, lost their loved ones, fallen ill and needed surgery, suffered broken hearts...so many things that are extremely trying and painful. I add myself into the mix when I think of losing Tom and there is just a weight on my heart that seems to pull and tug on me in really exhausting ways. In times like this, I normally would have turned to a variety of different things to find 'healing', if you will, all of them being completely "substanceless" and temporary. So, in efforts to maintain an 'attitude of change', I am going to choose to focus on the words spoken in Jeremiah that have so often lifted me up from super dark places:

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

For years, I could never grasp the idea that god had plans for me, for my family, for my friends. I often thought there is no way I am that significant that god would give a crap what happens to me. I would pray empty prayers for my friends and family, all the while not really believing that any of them could come true. I would go to god in the same way I would someone whose opinion didn't really matter to me and I always felt worse after doing so. In thinking of my precious friends and family who are enduring so much alongside me now, I can't help but feel overwhelmed with hope in the place I am presently. These words spoken in Jeremiah are so very powerful. The lord DOES have plans for us! He DOES have hope and a future outlined for each and every one of us if we can choose to believe it! Our human minds simply cannot grasp the "whys" of any situation here on earth but that's just it...we're not supposed to! We are but temporary beings here and it's up to us to pay attention to the truth of the word. We must never lose sight of why we're called to be here and what we're called to do. We can only love one another, lift each other up, and walk together through life reminding one another of what god promises us.

So, I hope to always do that for all of these sweet people in my life who are suffering. Together, I really believe we can all get closer to the amazing plans that god absolutely does have in store.

Punkins!

Last year, Allison and I started a pumpkin carving tradition together. We had gone on an amazing hike in the Catskills with friends and stopped at a roadside farmer's stand on the drive home. We picked out perfect pumpkins and got delicious homemade cider doughnuts. It was so great:

I had never carved a pumpkin before and we thought it would be so fun to do so together. I also thought it would be great to cook some sort of pumpkin dish for dinner, thus beginning our pumpkin tradition! So, the following weekend, I made pasta with pumpkin-gorgonzola sauce and mushrooms which was so delicious and we got to carving! Our little guy turned out awesome too, as you can see:

This year was round two and we had so much fun! I cooked pumpkin pasta with shallots, sage, and sausage (so good!) and we went to town on our pumpkins, yet again. These were store bought pumpkins, sadly, but they were just as good:

Mine's on the left. I swear, it really is the little things in life that make it so worthwhile. I'm so blessed by having my sister here in this city with me and all these little things we do together makes life just so fun. Is it wrong that I already look forward to picking out next year's pumpkin recipe...?

It's Been A While...

This time last year I was so excited about starting a blog and beginning something for myself that I thought would be a healthy outlet. It seems as though the past year I have been, um, rather distracted. I've been journaling so much recently that I thought I would take another stab at this and hopefully I'll be able to look back on it and be glad that I've captured bits and pieces of my life.

Things have been quite interesting lately. After nearly two years with my boyfriend, Tom, we decided to go our separate ways. This happened on September 17th, just over a month ago. I could never get into all the detail I'd like here, but I can say that the relationship has taught me more than I could have ever hoped for. I believe fully that Tom was placed in my life for a very specific reason and I know we both did incredible things for one another. There isn't a day that goes by where I'm not thankful for certain things from Tom...but I am very aware that the relationship was not right. I felt that way at times as we went along but I never fully realized it until we broke up. Am I sad? Yes. Do I miss him everyday? Of course. But, I have such a deep longing to have a life and love completely governed by the lord. I always have wanted this, I just never had the balls to take a stand and follow down the 'straight and narrow' path. This breakup, while extremely sad and painful, has finally allowed me to see things about myself that I have desperately needed to AND it's allowed me the freedom I need just for me. I love Tom dearly and there is a place in my heart that will always be his...but I have said my "goodbyes" and I have shut the door on a two year chapter that has been joyful, loving, painful, adventurous, trying and so many other equally amazing and hard things for me. Tom might never know the person that he has 'awakened' by this breakup but I will forever be grateful for how he has helped me open my eyes.

Presently, I have been going to counseling for five weeks now. I have been extremely dedicated to the work that's involved in digging deep inside myself and my past. It has been one of the most enlightening and painful experiences of my life. At times, I'm completely overwhelmed but it's the most incredible time of refinement for me. I have absolutely reconnected with the lord in a way I never knew possible and I'm truly rebuilding my life from scratch, if you will. I have faced enormous challenges over the past ten years, all of which have shaped me, and I have no regrets. However, I have sadness, anxiety, fear and worry that stems from so many poor choices and decisions. It was these things that led to mine and Tom's demise, ultimately, and I decided to begin counseling because I have such a deep desire to know the lord in a way that redeems every bad choice I've ever made.

My counselor, Cori, is so wise. She has a gentle spirit that is comforting and inviting. I feel like I can be 'me' with her. I feel like I can speak from a place of pain and heartache and it's not judged nor is it looked down on. I can say things like I feel as though god will never forgive me and not feel stupid or silly. I can talk to her about feelings of worthlessness and fear and she simply smiles and reminds me of god's everlasting grace, mercy and love. We are getting into the meat of things in my life now at the start of six weeks and it's very intense for me. Yes, it's difficult to balance a breakup with the start of therapy but it's also incredibly liberating. I mentioned that I have reconnected with god in amazing ways and that has been awesome. One of the most important parts of my therapy at this point is learning how to trust. I have never really been able to do that, therefore I have never been able to commit my life fully to god and his plan. So, it's like each week that goes by is a new step forward and hopefully one day I will look back at all the 'miles' I have traveled to a place where I feel loved and totally accepted by god. Only then will I ever be able to receive the man that I am meant to be with for the rest of my life because only then will I have god as the true center of my life.

I love being ME, totally and completely, for the first time in my whole life. I have absolutely nobody to please but god and nobody that I WANT to please but god. It is just wonderful. So, at this point, I've done a 180 from where I was this time last year. I re-read my posts from before and, while I felt a sense of peace in ways then, I never felt settled. Presently, I feel hope, passion, motivation and desire like never before to chase after the amazing plan that I know god has for my life. I'm letting go and letting the wind pick me up and swirl me all around like a leaf in the breeze and I say Lord, take my life, all that I am, and do with me what you will.