Wednesday, October 28, 2009

It's Been A While...

This time last year I was so excited about starting a blog and beginning something for myself that I thought would be a healthy outlet. It seems as though the past year I have been, um, rather distracted. I've been journaling so much recently that I thought I would take another stab at this and hopefully I'll be able to look back on it and be glad that I've captured bits and pieces of my life.

Things have been quite interesting lately. After nearly two years with my boyfriend, Tom, we decided to go our separate ways. This happened on September 17th, just over a month ago. I could never get into all the detail I'd like here, but I can say that the relationship has taught me more than I could have ever hoped for. I believe fully that Tom was placed in my life for a very specific reason and I know we both did incredible things for one another. There isn't a day that goes by where I'm not thankful for certain things from Tom...but I am very aware that the relationship was not right. I felt that way at times as we went along but I never fully realized it until we broke up. Am I sad? Yes. Do I miss him everyday? Of course. But, I have such a deep longing to have a life and love completely governed by the lord. I always have wanted this, I just never had the balls to take a stand and follow down the 'straight and narrow' path. This breakup, while extremely sad and painful, has finally allowed me to see things about myself that I have desperately needed to AND it's allowed me the freedom I need just for me. I love Tom dearly and there is a place in my heart that will always be his...but I have said my "goodbyes" and I have shut the door on a two year chapter that has been joyful, loving, painful, adventurous, trying and so many other equally amazing and hard things for me. Tom might never know the person that he has 'awakened' by this breakup but I will forever be grateful for how he has helped me open my eyes.

Presently, I have been going to counseling for five weeks now. I have been extremely dedicated to the work that's involved in digging deep inside myself and my past. It has been one of the most enlightening and painful experiences of my life. At times, I'm completely overwhelmed but it's the most incredible time of refinement for me. I have absolutely reconnected with the lord in a way I never knew possible and I'm truly rebuilding my life from scratch, if you will. I have faced enormous challenges over the past ten years, all of which have shaped me, and I have no regrets. However, I have sadness, anxiety, fear and worry that stems from so many poor choices and decisions. It was these things that led to mine and Tom's demise, ultimately, and I decided to begin counseling because I have such a deep desire to know the lord in a way that redeems every bad choice I've ever made.

My counselor, Cori, is so wise. She has a gentle spirit that is comforting and inviting. I feel like I can be 'me' with her. I feel like I can speak from a place of pain and heartache and it's not judged nor is it looked down on. I can say things like I feel as though god will never forgive me and not feel stupid or silly. I can talk to her about feelings of worthlessness and fear and she simply smiles and reminds me of god's everlasting grace, mercy and love. We are getting into the meat of things in my life now at the start of six weeks and it's very intense for me. Yes, it's difficult to balance a breakup with the start of therapy but it's also incredibly liberating. I mentioned that I have reconnected with god in amazing ways and that has been awesome. One of the most important parts of my therapy at this point is learning how to trust. I have never really been able to do that, therefore I have never been able to commit my life fully to god and his plan. So, it's like each week that goes by is a new step forward and hopefully one day I will look back at all the 'miles' I have traveled to a place where I feel loved and totally accepted by god. Only then will I ever be able to receive the man that I am meant to be with for the rest of my life because only then will I have god as the true center of my life.

I love being ME, totally and completely, for the first time in my whole life. I have absolutely nobody to please but god and nobody that I WANT to please but god. It is just wonderful. So, at this point, I've done a 180 from where I was this time last year. I re-read my posts from before and, while I felt a sense of peace in ways then, I never felt settled. Presently, I feel hope, passion, motivation and desire like never before to chase after the amazing plan that I know god has for my life. I'm letting go and letting the wind pick me up and swirl me all around like a leaf in the breeze and I say Lord, take my life, all that I am, and do with me what you will.

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