Monday, July 8, 2013

Who Am I?

Samuel Johnson said sorrow is the mere rust of the soul; activity will cleanse and brighten it. JK Rowling also said numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it. I've been putting both of these into practice fully the past few weeks and, over the weekend, it all reached a boiling point. No need to share details. I simply write honestly from my spirit and recall precious words from my counselor years ago about using this avenue to be vulnerable and exposed, two of the only things that really push me to grow. So, details aren't necessary. The therapy of writing is.

I had a very tough weekend and I simply couldn't stop my thoughts and feelings from spiraling into confusion, self doubt and heartache. I think I've definitely numbed some pain for a while and, as my mom has told me, I need to stare it directly in the face and deal with it. You don't heal by going around something, you heal by going through it. I haven't wanted to feel any of this, I've wanted to block it out and pretend it's not happening. But, it is. So, now I have to deal with it.

Recently, all I can think is who am I? What is my place here and what is my direction? These questions are life-long confusions for most of us out there and I know I'm not uniquely alone here. For years, I've been ambitiously driven to create a life for myself full of meaning, purpose and passion. I've succeeded greatly for the most part so facing some of these things right now is hard for me. I'm not used to feeling so displaced or having heartache momentarily direct my steps. While temporary, it's blinded me to being able to see life in Denver clearly or to find my place amidst the sea of confusion I'm trying to stay afloat in. I know that time will go by, my heart will heal and that element will no longer be a part of this life equation but, for me currently, it's more about learning to accept and understand that I cannot control every aspect of my life.

Life is undeniably precious and short, something I think most all of us forget and take for granted. Why is it so very easy to lose sight of the precious gifts we do have and instead focus on what we don't have? We have no idea what's around every turn and how quickly something can be taken away from us. I think it's our responsibility to appreciate every second we have, even in heartache, and to understand the richness in our lives. Since the start of this year, it's been my deepest desire to live out of a humble, grateful heart and it's so easy to lose sight of that. In these recent months, I've had to face many of my mistakes, demons and things I regret. It's really exhausting but, when you want to be better, you have to reveal these things to yourself and change them. I'm pretty sure that all of these questions I have right now are for a very specific purpose. I don't think I could see some of these mistakes or poor choices I've made without being really alone to figure it out. See, I'm that stubborn and sometimes I can't see right in front of me because of my own pride. It's one thing that seems to creep back up cyclically and I think I'm finally at the point where I just can't take it anymore. I have got to tear down that pride and put it to rest, once and for all.

I truly believe that pain or heartache is one of the only things that can really grab us and shake us to the core. Losing something or someone that you love seems to be the one way that life turns you upside down and really makes you see the choice to pick yourself up and grow or not. I can never be that person that wallows, I'm simply not built that way. But, being the person who's always viewed as so strong and driven can really be hard to live up to sometimes. This weekend, I cried more than I have in a long time and I think I needed to do that. As I mentioned before, vulnerability is not my forte and it pierces my soul sometimes to allow myself to feel that. I'm slowly understanding that it's part of healing and part of becoming the woman I really want to be.

Much like my time alone in Lucca last summer, I feel lost at points. It's foreign, uncomfortable and it rattles me. Yet, those exact reactions to it all are exactly why I know that I'm right where I should be, going through just what I need to. It's for a divine, purposeful reason. Even though it hurts, I'm trying to shed the strong, prideful skin that I wear so easily and become a softer, less fearful version of myself. I want to walk in love, light and humility and stop being the person that thinks I know best. With a grateful heart, I want to see the goodness in life and allow the freedom of forgiveness and letting go to be what fuels me. I want to be able to open the door to a life full of liberation and acceptance of not only the person that I am, but acceptance of the people around me. My faults, my strengths, my quirks, my fears...these are a fraction of the things that make up who I am. So, as I question that very thing going forward, I'm beyond committed to embracing everything that this time in life is teaching me. I just need to remind myself that it's ok to fail, ok to stumble and ok to let go. More than anything, it's ok to accept myself just as I am. May I step into a fresh season of life with renewed perspective and with a great, true, sincere love of me.  

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