Thursday, May 30, 2013

Change Is Freeing

Do you ever go through a transition or change and think how am I ever gonna get through this? It may be a move or a breakup or a new job; any number of things. Life will never cease to throw curveballs, surprise you and bring to light things you never planned for or thought of. Normally, that how am I ever gonna get through this question plays over and over in your mind until one day, well, you just get through it.

Recently, I've gone through all three of those things I just mentioned. That nagging question has tugged at my mind and heart everyday for a while now and I've been working on pressing forward, one step at a time. I moved to Denver back in October after saying a painful farewell to NYC and all the people there that I love. While I knew in my heart I was ready to leave NYC, that's like a breakup in and of itself. If you've ever lived in NYC for an extended period of time, you know that it's a place that consumes your life and requires an actual "ending of the relationship". I've been watching a lot of 'Sex and The City' recently for some brain candy and it's way more fun watching it now having lived in NYC for 7 years. That show hits the nail on the head when it comes to that city! Anyway, leaving it behind was a really hard decision, even if the right one.

I got to Denver, got a job within two weeks and hit the ground running. Those who know me know that I'm very driven and I don't let a lot of things stop me. I love this about myself but sometimes, I really don't know how or when to slow down and it's not good for me. Returning from Italy after five months with only a week and a half in between moving across the country simply wasn't enough time to decompress. After arriving in Denver, I should've at least given myself more time then but nope, instead I jumped right into managing Frasca Caffe in Boulder. NOT a job for the weary, I'll just say that. On top of that, I commuted nearly 90 miles everyday leaving little to no time to actually build a real, true life in Denver. I recently changed jobs to something far more "me" (in Denver!) and, two months into the new gig, I feel like a new person.

Heartache is the only factor is this equation that feels impossible to face, at times. It's a pain that you feel almost down to your soul and, for me, being alone in a new city to face it leaves me with two choices: live or die. Throughout most of my life, I've been dealt cards that have spanned the spectrum of awesome and awful. I've had to grow into myself, learn to view the world differently and become an adult. Getting older has been wonderful for me in this regard as I've moved through seasons of life that have pushed me farther into who I want to be and helped me see and understand the mistakes I've made along the way. I've become better, stronger and more self-aware which is one of the things I struggled with most in my twenties. However, when heartache hits, none of that seems to matter anymore and the only thing you can see is sadness.

My friend recently sent me a great post on the "art of starting over" that he'd just read in relation to things going on in his own life at the moment. I appreciated it so much, particularly this:

Be patient with yourself, be patient with others, be patient with the process. We don't get over the worst of it, we get through it. Sometimes the worst of it takes longer than we want it to. Sometimes it is harder to imagine that there is something out there that could be better than what we had planned.

She goes on to say that starting over is the most freedom you will ever have and I hope so much that I can choose to view my life right now through those eyes.

As I enter into this new season of having to press on, I'm reminded that life is one big series of choices. I have to choose to get out of bed everyday, breathe and know that whatever pain I must face in this time will continue making me better. I have to see pain as refining and heartache as learning. Learning to see who I am, who I want to be, mistakes I don't want to make in the future and how to be at peace in solitude. For those who feel like it, send a prayer or two up for me if you would. As I put one foot in front of the other and take one step at a time, I hope that I can come out on the other side healthier, smarter and more of the whole, complete woman I desire to be.

No comments: